Just a couple weeks ago I walked in the house on a Monday evening after a day of work. My wife was looking pretty pleased with herself as she told me I had a gift. I opened it up to find a onesie, a bib, and a positive pregnancy test. This is one of those occasions in life that is momentous. We have all seen movies depicting men experiencing this same news followed by a variety of reactions. American's Funniest Videos has surely aired tons of clips featuring fathers with shocked faces, or jumping around screaming. All of those images give you a template for how you are supposed to respond.
I have a weird way of experiencing these pivotal moments in life. I am concious of how important they are at that very moment. I do this thing where I step outside of myself and watch it play out as if I were a spectator. This time was no exception. As soon as I opened the box I stood back and watched from a few feet away. I was so wrapped up in watching the scene happen that I forget I am the one who is supposed to be going crazy or jumping up and down. I just stood there thinking, "This guy just found out he is going to be a dad. Why is he just standing there?" It is somewhat of an enigma that has a way of making me seem like an unemotional bastard.
So yeah, my wife found out she was pregnant. We had about two weeks with this as our reality. It never totally felt real to me, but I don't think that will happen until the baby is out in the world looking at me. While it didn't yet feel real to me, those two weeks changed my perspective on lots of things. It made things seem... different. I was starting to imagine a world where I was taking care of a tiny person, and I wasn't totally screwing it up.
Last week my wife started having some concerns that prompted her to go to the doctor before our first scheduled appointment. She got blood drawn and found out her hormone levels were low. This meant that she was most likely going to have a miscarriage. This was confirmed a couple days later when her levels had dropped even more. The news hit her like a ton of bricks. She had only known about this baby for a couple weeks, but she was totally in love with him. I experienced disappointment, but my main reaction was concern for Amanda. I wanted to make things all better, but there wasn't anything that I could do.
The whole experience has been very surreal for me. I wasn't even able to get a handle on the fact that I was going to be a father before it was taken away. Looking at the entire course of events it would seem that we are in a similar spot to what we were 6 weeks ago. The net affect is the same, but the experience had an impact. One of my biggest fears about pregnancy is for the health and safety of my wife. I know there are a lot of things that can go wrong, and I don't want anything to happen to her. The last few weeks has strengthened that fear more than anything else. I am still not completely sure how to react to what has happened. I know it is common, but it still shakes you up a little bit. I guess I am still processing it. There is one thing I can tell for certain. I still feel that in the future I will be a father. That future feels closer now than what it ever has. While I feel that it will happen someday soon, I now acknowledge that nothing is guaranteed.
-deric
