It is a Saturday night around 8:30pm and I am considering lying down and going to bed. My wife is already in bed reading her book. I feel restless, not sure what to do tonight. I don't really feel like watching a movie, but there is little else to do. I am experiencing this really odd feeling. It comes around almost every weekend. All week long while I am at work I long to be able to just relax; to have nothing to do. On the weekend I usually have nothing planned, so I literally don't do anything.
I have this feeling of restlessness, but no motivation to actually get up and be active. During the work week I long for the weekend. I feel like I have so much I want to accomplish. When I really think about it, the only thing I want to accomplish is doing nothing. I really need have better purpose for my time on the weekend. It doesn't help that I have been on a streak of disappointing weekend circumstances. As you probably already know, my allergies have been heinous this spring. I have been pretty much eliminated for outdoor activity, lest I want to feel like total crud for a couple days following. My allergies have subsided in the last few weeks, but 2 weekends ago I was really sick. Last weekend, and this weekend so far, have been rained out. I have been stuck inside, and I am starting to get a little bit stir crazy.
Usually being stuck inside isn't a bad thing for me. Once again, as you probably already know, I love watching films. I could watch movies all day long and be okay with that. Well, even I have my limit. Sometimes I am just not in the mood to sit and watch a 2-hour movie, and lately I feel like I have been reaching that limit. The entire duration my mind wanders and I think about what I could be accomplishing while I sit idle. Another indoor activity that I enjoy engaging in... writing. If my mind isn't occupied by something else, it is likely I am "writing" in my head. I constantly think about how to phrase things, and what words go together well. It is a bit odd don't you think?
No matter how badly I want to write, lately I haven't been able to write. I might describe it as writer's block, but writer's lack-of-inspiration is a more apt phraseology. I started this blog, along with my film site, in order to foster a hobby and give an outlet for the constant stream of words that run through my head. Writing should be a fun task that doesn't consume a huge amount of time. Lately it has been more of a chore. I will watch a movie then feel the burden of having to write about it. When I try to sit down and write my brian suddenly is empty. My fingers cannot hit the keys in any sequence that would not result in my reader being sickened with boredom. I hate that feeling. That feeling is starting to creep in right now as I compose these very sentences.
The most frustrating thing about trying to write is the realization of how inconsequential this all is. I have no clue why I want to write. I just do. I have no clue if anybody will read it, I just feel the need to put stuff out there. I realize that I will probably never make a dollar from anything I write, but I don't really care. There is no quantifiable value to me spending time writing this blog. There is even less value for you to spend time reading this blog. Why do we do it? Why do people write blogs, and why do so many people read them?
Most writers may have a good explanation for why they write. I have none. I don't know why I do it. I will say that I have sporadically kept a journal for several years. I find it extremely entertaining to go back and read things that I wrote just 5 years ago. I imagine myself as an old man pulling up this site and reading one of my blog posts with my grandchild. I guess that is why I do it. At that moment in the way distant future I won't give a shit what I wrote. It will only matter that it is there, and my 27 year-old self will be somehow captured in these words. That actually sounds pretty lame, but I don't care.
If you author a blog let me know why you do it. What is your motivation behind writing? What makes you want to keep up with it? When you don't write for a while do you feel guilty? Do you force yourself to write even when you don't want to?
