Things are extremely busy around here. Even so, I try to find time to write as often as possible. I write for myself in a journal, and I also try to keep up this this blog as well as my film blog. To some people it might not make sense why I would even bother. The stuff I write isn't even that good. What is the point? I honestly can't really explain it. I just feel the need. I write a ton of stuff on all sorts of topics that I intend to post on the blog, but I never do. I either don't like what I've written or I convince myself that nobody would ever want to read it. I'm spending time writing for nothing, but I don't even care.
While I am not totally sure why I feel like I have to write, I will try to describe one of the main reasons I do it. When my brain wasn't being actively stimulated I'd feel like I had a ton of thoughts and ideas banging around in my head. I'd constantly be thinking about random stuff. I'd try to go to bed at night but couldn't. My mind was always racing. When you leave your brain free to think about stuff, but don't hold it accountable you can start to trick yourself. That sentence might not have made much sense, so let me try to describe what I mean.
In my head right now I can envision a beautiful painting of a landscape. This is not a place I've ever seen before, or a place that even exists. It is totally a creation of my mind compiled from experiences I've had and places I have seen. It is a beautiful view. Breathtaking. However, if I take a paintbrush and a canvas there is no way I can recreate what my brain sees. That is heartbreaking. That thing only exists inside my head. When we sit down to a blank piece of paper we can envision what we want to draw, but when the lead hits the paper it doesn't look the same. Just because I can see a beautiful paining in my mind, it doesn't make me an artist.
When we think about something in our head we can believe we have a profound, deep understanding of the topic. However, it is just like the landscape. If you can't take those ideas and organize them, they are meaningless. They don't exist. Writing lets me get stuff out of my head. It allows my mind to relax. It helps me to move on. It is probably very similar to the feeling people get when they spill their guts to someone. I don't like talking. I can write things I would have a hard time saying. Writing is a way to keep me sane; a way to keep my mind clear.
When I was in art class in high school we used to find a picture in a magazine and try to draw that exact thing. Sometimes we would even put the paper up to the window so we could trace the size and proportions from the original image. We were new to drawing. It was a way to practice. Thinking about it... what we were doing might not have even been art. Presumably as an artist practices more and more he gets better. Likewise, as I write more and more I hope to get better at taking what is in my mind and putting it on the page. I still do not feel like I am very good, and that is why I keep on doing it.
Still, I post a very small percentage of the things I start writing. I need to suck it up and post everything. If I know somebody else might read it, I have a lot more incentive to do a decent job, and that is the only way I could ever get better. I want to post more stuff on this blog.
This is a little meta... but this very post is the exact example of what I was trying to illustrate. I had something in my head that seemed to make sense, but here I have done a horrible job putting it into words. Now I have to re-read this crap and try to convince myself to post it. I guess we will see what happens.
