Today marks the 10 year anniversary of me almost dying. People who didn't know me at that time may not know what happened. I was in Cincinnati visiting my roomate from my freshman year of college, Brian. We were driving aound town on a Saturday afternoon in a Ford Escort. I was in the passenger seat. At a blind intersection he pulled out in front of a Ford F150 going 55mph. It hit the side of the car just in front of the driver's side door. We spun around several times, ending up in the ditch. Two helicopters came for us. They took us to separate hospitals. We both survived. The guy in the truck was fine.
We were both pretty messed up. Brian had a broken collar bone, broken ribs, and a punctured lung. I had no broken bones. But I hit my head... hard. The entire left side of my brain was bruised. There was swelling, but it was under control.
I don't remember anything. I don't remember the accident. I don't remember going to the hospital. I don't even remember much from the day leading up to the accident. I have vague memories of being in the hospital, but it is difficult to tell what is true memory and what has been constructed from what people told me about it later. I remember being in pain, and being confused, but surprisingly relaxed.
I got to go home on my 20th birthday. I remember walking out of the hospital and getting in the car... then nothing after that. I probably fell asleep. I slept a lot. I have in and out memories of people coming to see me over the next several days. I was in no mood to socialize. I mostly complained about people being too loud, and the lights being too bright. I probably wasn't very appreciative of the support. After a few days I started to "come back". I remember recognizing that I was disconnected. It was almost like I was lost in my own thoughts, but I don't think there was anything going on in my head. It was too busy healing; repairing itself. I had to go to "physical therapy" sessions at the hospital. They would ask me questions. That is about all it consisted of. I had to do crossword puzzles and stuff like that to make sure I still knew stuff I guess.
I had a lot of headaches. My neuologist recommended that I skip a semester of college. My sophomore year was starting in less than 2 weeks. Within the first week I thought I was feeling better, and decided I wanted to go back. My doctor cleared me. I worked with the great Dr. James Barany at Purdue to work out my schedule. I took as few credit hours as I could and still be a full time student. I ended up taking a speed reading class. It wasn't all fun and games. I also took a physics class and multivariate calculus.
Right at first it was a strange feeling. In my head I felt like I knew how to do certain things, but I was unable to put together some of the fundamentals of calculus. I had to look things up that I had done tons of times since high school. Those early homework sessions in the study room at my dorm were the only times that I felt scared. It could have been nothing more than just the summer rust. Who knows. But I felt like maybe my brain was damaged in some way. Maybe there were things that I would never remember again, and not even realize it. It is a weird feeling when you don't know what you don't know. Anyway, I went to class and did my homework. It eventually came back to me. I got a "B".
I had to organize my schedule so my classes didn't start until the afternoon. I slept 12 to 14 hours every night. I'd go to bed at 8 and get up at 11 the next morning. I'm sure everybody's college experiences were similar. I continued to have headaches. They lasted for months.
There is a 4 month gap in my life that I really can't make sense of. I typically have decent long term memory, but nothing for that time. Even writing this now I am not confident of any of these memories. I've kept a journal since Sept 11th, 2001. Even now I write in it weekly at least. There is nothing from the months of August 2002 to December 2002.
There are a lot of stories of brain injuries that did not go as well as mine. I realize how truly lucky I am. I am thankful. I'd be lying if I said I think about it every day. I get complacent. I let myself forget what happened. I let myself believe that I deserve my full recovery.
I'd never had a head injury before that day. That is lucky for me. It might have caused the outcome to go differently. I haven't had a head injury since. I hope I never do. I enjoy cycling, but I always wear a helmet. I won't ride a mountain bike, even with a helmet. I fear driving at times, but I especially fear riding. I am mindful every time I get in the car that somebody could hit me, and there is little I can do about that. As teenagers we all feel invincible. I stopped feeling invincible when I was 19 years and 362 days old, and haven't felt invincible since.
